Mood :

  SAD

  CONFUSED

  MAD

  INSECURE

  DOUBTFUL...

  I really don't know how to describe it I just know I don't like how i am feeling. I have been ok the past few months, maybe it's a girly blues moment? Or maybe it isn't.

    My new years resolution didn't really work too well..  I haven't really got a lot to be sad about I guess... other then I am probably goign to get a 2:2 not a 2:1 at uni... when I work just as hard as everyone and generally don't miss uni. There is nothing I can do currently about finding a job when I finish. There are a few out there now but a lot are asking for people now.

   I feel insecure about stupid things that really aren't that bad... I am off to Spain soon though which is exciting and will hopefully make me feel like this. I seem to get like this after not seeing the new beau for a long time.. or maybe not so new... One of my close friends has been with his other half for a year next week... a year? That's terrifying... Is it wrong to think of it as terrifying? Does no one else find that scary? I suppose it happens but for some reason my brain can't process it. The longest I have been with someone was " unofficially" with him, for around 9 months, 4 of those being official... I don't know maybe it's part of growing up and not having to push people away anymore which I am very used to doing. Being close to someone and then just pulling away because I think or feel something and can't get it out of my head... That's not happened yet, it's happening with a few people... but I suppose it's an improvement on how I have been. 

   Oh well... it's a shame as well, I made my blog to be personal and private but I think a few people I know have found it now... which is a shame, I can't write too much of what I think anymore... but I suppose it's part of it <3

 eurgh.. back to Dissertation I suppose, if only I could write a dissertation as quickly as a blog... 

   Hopefully this low mood will go away soon.. I'm annoyed with myself for the mood so it's making it a little worse. 

   Dipsy xx

        I can't think of an appropriate name for this blog.. I am excited to write this. Expressing what's important to me and what I have learnt in the year and remembered and what I need to try to remember over the year. This is how I have decided to use this blog, to keep my life in the best condition I can. In my opinion, life is what we chose it to be, a new year in 2011 will not change everything, we have to chose to change and develop and this is my beginning. This isn't me saying oh yes do this, this is me expressing how I should treat things, or how I think I could deal with things better in my life. If you disagree you are more than welcome to. 

          By change I don't mean remodel, I think i mean become the person we are, that may not make sense, I am trying to make it clear not everything is bad, but I know I have a few demons on my shoulder, regrets, issues, just as everyone else does and this is my way of trying to deal with them... these quotations and images are to help me to do and feel that, see if you agree, my blogs are going to probably talk about how I am trying to develop. Currently I am being very insecure and needy towards my other half, due to a drunken and unremembered new years eve, but I can't change it now. I have to work with what I have, I hope it can help others as much as I hope it helps me.

   Part of this process I think is to remember what we have got, to many this may seem weird but when I was at my lowest a close male friend of mine baked me a cake, and... it made me feel better, cared about. If I have friends who will work over a cake to cheer me up and support me through everything, how can life be that bad? I am not alone. I have some glitchy friends but we all have different kinds of people around us for a reason, maybe we just need to deal with it all differently.

     I read an amazing blog recentley that changed my perspective on an issue that used to terrify me, I have it recommended, so I  in no was say I came up with this but, if you are scared of someone cheating on you. Think of it this way. If it's going to happe, it will happen, it cannot be stopped so why worry? why make yourself ill? Enjoy what you have and if that happens it is not meant to be and you deserve better. For some reason this straight forward thinking calms me and I am so glad I remember this and found it where I did in the first place.

         I recently was in a lecture hall with other students about to do a presentation and mark my class mates and myself on our presentation work when the lecturere spoke to us, " Your marks will count 20% towards the final mark for the each student you mark. The reason I am doing this is because it has been found that you yourself will mark yourself down more than anyone else will, you are the harshest judge, on yourself and your fellow classmates, so bare that in mind while you decide"

       Not only did that open my eyes to the real truth behind this but I think this card is also true. People may think badly of you , and maybe they have had reason to think this, but if this is true, should we not rise above what they say? and show them they are wrong. Or should we listen?... I believe we are our own worst enemies, so maybe we should give ourselves a bit more credit for the good in us and not concentrate on so many negatives, some people have their own agendas, we just need to learn whos opinion is honest and the most important to us.  

     The amount of chances we have had in our lives, I think we would be amazed if we could actually see them all put together. Wishing is an amazing feeling, but at the same time is painful, it is dreamign of something we believe we cannot have. The cup above is right - when it is realistic and not too out of this world ( like unicorns) why not say I will? we are only stopping ourselves, we can always push more or do more or work more. It can't so any harm to push the wish into a will and make it a potential reality.   

  I feel this expresses to people those days where you are doing nothing and you can quite literally do anything! So why don't we? because we are too worried, then do the little things you WANT, let your imagination run wild, why shouldn't you ? Some of the best moments in life are the unplanned moments, that you can share or keep to yourself. Whatever happens, do what you like, even if you feel education ( like my uni ) isn't what you want, it may be a necessary evil to get to your next ultimate goal in life, so why not try to enjoy what you can of that too?

 Similar to above, anything you want to do with your time you should do, as long as it's legal! :P. it's your time, so use it as you see fit. 

  I have been that person, the one who has sat there and thought what is the point in life, why should I try why should I do all these things. But maybe we should be asking, why shouldn't we? This world is all we know and for all we know, all we have so far, so why not appreciate it? Take the good and the bad, even when life seems really unfair and really hard. Maybe we had that bad time to have that really amazing time and part of getting through that problem made you, so maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all. We have a lot of good within us and around us if we look for it. 

   As pre mentioned, a  lot of bad things go on in this world. Too many to list and probably a few I am unaware of too. Some for all anyone knows I have been through, some I haven't but a friend had. Or maybe even you have. This isn't designed to make you all think the world is OK, it's a way to look at things and not hit that circle of depressive thought, I think everyone has been there, one bad thought pops into your head and you somehow cannot remove it once there one thought leading to another and to move on takes a lot of effort and energy. But that effort is worth it, living in a past can harm us and stop us from developing. But taking what we can from the past to learn from it is a far healthier and happier way to be. We cannot remove our past, so why not work with it, make the present the past you would want to remember.

   Studying psychology, this proverb is hard to think round. I believe or thought that I did use all rooms, but I don't think I accept them all as one, I think I use a room that suites me for a certain situation when really I should learn from each room and develop each part so as to feel more, and potentially understand more. 

      I feel this is simple. Yet hard for people to fully comprehend. I think book readers will best understand this, this may be an unfair comment but I feel it is a good way to describe it. Millions of people have read and loved Harry Potter, and millions saw it at the cinema. Looking at Harry Potter, to me, on a screen was... somehow less exciting in a way, I could imagine in the book many different things and details that I had chosen from the words I was reading. I think when we look at people or a situation it can be the same, everyone may have their own perspective on how that person or situation works. At the end of the day I feel NOBODY has a right to tell you if your opinion is right or wrong from what you know unless they have information you are unaware of that could change your perspective, but if you disagree, that is your right. Feel things more deeply than on the surface, enjoy your experiences.  

 Resolutions :

Work Hard

Find a Job

Smile

Try to relax more

Trust

Be Happy with what i have got

 Well... I wasted a lot of time last night :P... I wrote a lovely weblog, which I put a lot of time into and somehow Xanga managed to delete it... Not a happy girly.

   I'm back at uni now :) , sad or happy times or both really. I've enjoyed going out shopping with my girls again and seeing everyone. My timetable is insanely short, but this will give me more time to go see him and to do the university work that will soon start to pile up, giving me time at weekends.

   I shall try to redo my blog from last night... It's going to bug me as I can't remember half of it or how I worded it exactly and it will never cover what I did last night... but I hope you enjoy it.

 So here I am tonight... Alone.

I miss you lying next to me on your cold bed, your warm arms around me, your heart beating so close.

Your smile is so rarely shown and means so much more, I treasure everytime I see you grin, knowing it's like a secret shared.

In this city the stars seem dim, but I know in the middle of nowhere is where you will be; with the stars shining brightly, I know where I would like to be.

As we lay entwined in your cold room, we talk through the dark: secrets, laughter and thoughts are shared, I think this is the happiest time, nothing can disturb us, our voices shared through the dark our true selves shine .

I miss how you can hold me and make the world dissapear, I need you so much closer .

I miss the nights in, waiting for my screen to blink, another message from you I will hope to see, little conversations that make me smile.

I am sometimes scared of feeling for you more then I should, my heart has been hurt, as I'm sure has yours, but I'm going to trust you and wait to see where we may go, and hope you prove my dreams to be right.

I know if you were to read this, my romantic sentiment would baffle you, but deep down I think you would maybe understand, I simply mean to appreciate you and how happy we have been, your maturity astounds me and you seem to hide your feelings, but I hope I am reading what little you show clearly, just as I hope you can read me.

And now back to others quotations:  

I know who she is,

and if she’s going through her worst right now then I want to go through it with her

and she makes me happier than anything I’ve ever known and If I can have a part in making her happy again.

 That’s all I want to do, that’s all I want to do for the rest of my life.

Mark Sloan Greys Anatomy season 7

&& maybe it's true, I'm falling for you.
Maybe there's a chance that
You're stuck on me, too.
So maybe I'm wrong, it's all in my head,
But maybe we're afraid of words
We both haven't said.

Jim: "Four years ago, I was just a guy who had a crush on a girl, who had a boyfriend. And I had to do the hardest thing that I've ever had to do, which was just to... wait. Don't get me wrong, I flirted with her. Pam, I can now admit in front of friends and family, that I do know how to make a photocopy. Didn't need your help that many times. And, uh, do you remember how long it took you to teach me how to drive stick?"
Pam: "Like a year."
Jim: "I've been driving stick since high school, so... For a really long time that's all I had. Little moments with a girl who saw me as a friend. And, a lot of people told me I was crazy to wait this long for a date with a girl I work with but I think, even then I knew that... I was waiting for my wife."
-The Office

At this very moment, there are people only you
can reach and differences only you can make.

So my uncle says, "Stay seventeen. You'll never regret it. This world isn't easy. Don't try to understand it. You're allowed to keep what you want inside and it's okay not to be easy to read. 'Casue the people that love you the most will love you so much more than those things."

I think best friends are the ones who’ve been through what you’ve been through. They understand where you’re coming from and where you’re going. It's always a challenge to stick by a friend who’s making choices we don’t agree with and are sometimes even risky, but it's at these times that our best friends need us the most

( Thank you for calling tonight, this quotation is for you :) I have missed you , love Dipsy)

Boy: You know vampires aren’t real.

Girl: Well fake boobs aren’t real, but you still like looking at them.